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Showing posts from October, 2014

OK. Not Okay

#7 on the list I shared the other day...It's okay not to be okay. 
I guess I should heed my own advice. Understand something. If you know me at all you know that I don't go into anything half-heartedly. So going back to "normal" (whatever that is) would also be full throttle for me. Or so I had hoped. The thing is if I lead everyone to believe I'm okay then they will treat me that way. I didn't want everyone to be afraid of me. I didn't want to - once again - disappoint. 
But honestly - who am I trying not to disappoint anyway?! Because the only three people who matter right now are God, my husband and my son. Oh, and me. I'm just being honest - I had convinced myself everything was fine. And most days (moments?) it is. I am. But not every moment. Not every time. Not every day. 
I went back to work and did it with joy in my heart. I had spent some exceptional time in the Presence of The Lord, completely basking in His glory, relishing His Spirit and clai…

Pregnancy Loss Awareness

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Two days after surgery I received a message. Someone else was going through the exact same thing. She was scheduled for a D&C the following day after just learning she had lost her little one. A few days later while my body is starting to "feel" healed someone shared her tears as she mourned with us. More than three decades later the memories and emotions came flooding back to remind her of her own loss. 
As I've walked this journey I've found a commonality with so many women, so many I never even knew about, and have realized the truth in the statistic that one in four pregnancies end in a loss or miscarriage. I've read forums, scoured websites, poured over the stories of other women who have experienced the same grief and loss. Some have struggled to feel the ability to grieve over their pregnancy. Others have hesitated to even refer to the life as a baby. I understand there are so many different emotions that came and for most they come in waves. 
Our journe…

Rain Boots

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Several months ago Elijah was given a pair of rain boots. Rain boots come in all styles but these are fashoined just like a fireman's boots. It may be one of the best hand-me-down presents he's ever received. Truthfully, I was afraid the boots were too big and thought he might not wear them, save for a rainy day. I would be more than proven wrong.
These boots have done more walking, more splashing, more climbing, more digging, more kicking and more dirt collecting than any other pair of shoes he's ever owned. I may not be exaggerating if I go as far as saying these boots may have in fact collected more wear and tear than all the shoes he's owned in the past 6 years. But for real...
One of the best discoveries of my little boot-wearer is the purpose they were acctually made for: rain. More importantly to a boy, puddles. I won't blame Peppa Pig for the splashing in mud puddles episode that provided added inspiration. Certainly this boy didn't need any help with the…

Every Detail

The leaves are starting to change. The brilliance of the sun on a fall morning is blinding. I'm in my favorite chair. I've been here for three hours. Streams of sunlight are pouring through the window. I've had worship music playing for most of the time. I began with a heavy heart. The house was empty and quiet. I had a recurring moment of asking God why, why our baby. Then I found comfort in His word, peace in His presence, grace in His embrace. I've found so much encouragement in His written Word, so much peace in the words sung by artists pouring out their praises to a God who amazes me. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to sit still.

The beauty of this fall morning is surrounding me and I am overwhelmed by His goodness. I know I am not the only one processing grief, walking through tragedy, dealing with disappointment. So many are hurting. So many are searching for meaning. Too many are trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense. I can'…

Hope is Not Lost

A week ago I wrote about hope. I didn't know what was happening or what was to come but with all of my heart I wanted to hold onto hope. From the depths of my soul I cried out to God to answer the way in which I hoped. He didn't. But I need you to understand that I haven't lost my hope. 
My hope is in The Lord. My expectation is from Him. My souls rests in Him. (Psalm 62:5)
Hope does not disappoint. In fact, it is the result of our trials producing perseverance and endurance. (Romans 5:3-5) God uses these times to show us Himself. It can be difficult to find Him when we feel He's not answering how we want. We can become angry or bitter when we don't get what we hope for. But when we allow supernatural faith to take over finite humanity, we find Him in all His sovereignty and we can find rest in His presence. This is where we find peace. This is where our faith is encouraged and our hope is renewed. 
Hope. "The desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in ful…

Peace and Thanksgiving

Peace and thanksgiving. It seems a contradiction to think those two could walk hand-in-hand in the midst of sorrow and grief. You want me to be honest? You know I always am. I have had moments of anger, moments of flat out temper tantrums of wanting my way. MY WAY. God, this was NOT my way. This was NOT the desire of my heart. I waiver back and forth between accepting God's Sovereign plan and being so utterly broken that I cannot even fathom the good that could come out of this. Oh yes, I know. I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS IN MY HEAD. His promises are true. Though He causes grief, joy comes, eventually, in the morning. He comforts those who mourn. He is close to the brokenhearted. Yes, these things I know. I've recited them over and over in my grief. There are moments of solice when the words wash over me as a healing balm. There are also moments of such unbearable pain that it seems nothing could soothe.

Let My peace rule in your heart - and be thankful. I have called you to a life…

Carry His Praises

There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not Truth is I'm barely hanging on But there's a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you
He chose me to carry you and I did. For almost 8 weeks I carried my baby. I heard your heart beat. I watched the flutter moving on the screen. So tiny, still forming, only budding in shape but never fully forming who you were meant to become. You never got to breathe life on earth but the love we grew for you was insurmountable in such a short amount of time. I know that God has a plan for you. Even now He is working out His plan for your little life. I can't fully understand His plan but I rest in knowing there…

In the Arms of Jesus

Today we celebrate Baby Wright's home going to be with Jesus. We love this baby more than words can describe even though we won't meet this side of heaven. For the past five weeks we've known we have celebrated this life. Now we mourn the loss of our baby and the death of so many hopes and dreams we were embracing and preparing for. The arms holding me up are the same Sovereign arms now rocking my baby. There's comfort in that thought, despite the deep grief and pain. 
They repeatedly tell you not to think you did something wrong. I now understand this. It somehow feels like my fault but I did everything I could and I won't think for a second that I didn't pray enough or have strong enough faith. I trusted God for this baby. I trusted Him to take care of our baby. I know that He is, only now He is holding my baby for me until we meet in eternity. God didn't cause this to happen to us because of anything we did or didn't do. 
It's easy to ask why. Wh…

Hope

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Oh how I love this verse. It has been a comfort to me in so many times of uncertainty. Through so many trials I have claimed His joy and peace, prayed for His power to overflow me, called upon supernatural power that I know is mine to claim. I cannot even begin to tell you how I'm calling upon the God of hope to fill me in this moment now. 
Can I share something incredible? He has. He does. Even while I'm waiting for answers. Even while I'm unsure of what tomorrow holds. Even when I can't fully understand His plan and I can only be certain of HIM. I can still claim the assurance of HOPE that He brings. Not just enough to get by... Hope that overflows! Hope in abundance. Hope to make it through today and tomorrow. Hope to get past the point of uncertainty and hope to trust in Sovereign God. 
If that's not enough hope …