Saturday, February 8, 2014

My Facebook Life

Did you see my Facebook movie? It was touching. My most liked pictures highlighted Elijah's adoption, Michael & I's wedding day, and the building of our home. 

I've been compelled to watch many of these videos popping up on Facebook and I've also been amazed at how touching they've been, especially considering the random selection of content that none of us could choose or control.

Then again it doesn't come as much of a shock when I consider that most of what we deem "Facebook worthy" is what we randomly select to share with our friends. We provide our own filter of what we will allow them to see and read of our lives. 

You know this post is going to be packed with brutal honesty so let's dive right in, shall we?!

My confession: I was scared to death of what Facebook would choose for my video. I kept wondering if there was a picture I hadn't removed, maybe an old memory I wouldn't want to relive, something from the past that I would no longer deem "Facebook worthy." I held my breath the duration of my minute long recap of the last 9 years since I first joined.

Here's a look at what my Facebook movie didn't reveal:

Nine years ago I was married. To someone else. I was a business partner in a small local company as a 25 year old trying to figure out my life and my career. I was desperate - DESPERATE - to get pregnant. I hadn't yet received the news so every month was CONSUMED by this thought. I was hiding a lot of pain and a lot of loneliness. Nine years ago no one knew the ache in my heart. I was blessed to experience God's grace and peace, delving myself into ministry, missions, work and family. It was mostly a cover up for the emptiness that caused a vacuum inside me. 

In nearly a decade the pain of infertility struck, God blessed with an adoption, the isolation of separation started a 3 year end to my marriage, a house fire destroyed all earthly possessions, God provided beyond what I could ever need on this earth, at my darkest and loneliest hour God saw fit to bring a man who would love, serve and protect my broken heart, a new marriage, a new home, a new beginning, even a new job. 

It all sounds like "happy endings" - or maybe happy beginnings. But my life isn't "Facebook worthy." It isn't always true of me that "what you see is what you get." Sure, this blog tells a more honest story, but the Facebook content I post most certainly is filtered.

I'm not quick to judge but I am quick to be sympathetic. I want people to see my wonderful gift from God, whom I love and adore, and I want to tell the heart-warming stories of his conversations with me. You can guarantee you'll not see the image of me losing my temper and flying off the handle because for the umpteenth time he hasn't obeyed and I'm about to lose my mind because we can't even get out of the door to go to school on time!

I want people to see the loving acts of service my Prince Charming does for me (and truthfully they're too numerous for me to count OR post) but never do I want them to know what an utter failure I am as a wife when I hurt his heart or prioritize other things above my marriage. 

I want people to read the words and verses of inspiration, mostly because they're meaningful and uplifting to me, and most of the time it's  in the midst of my own seeking, searching, hurting and healingg. Never do I reveal the pride God is dealing with in me or the selfishness He's trying to chip away. Never would I let you see the conviction the Holy Spirit is bringing because of what that verse is speaking in my own life. 

My life isn't Facebook worthy. My life is real. Which means it's riddled with faults and failures, flaws and mistakes. I'm human. Flesh and bone that is utter weakness straight down to the marrow. I talk a lot about redemption because it truly is the only good thing in me. I alone am nothing good. Christ in me is all I have to claim. My life isn't summed up in the pictures and posts that you see. It's the inner workings of my heart. A life once shattered by pain and heartache, poor choices and ensuing consequences. Who I am is not defined by notifications, commments and likes, but rather who God is still having to complete a good work in (and believe me, He more than has His work cut out for Him with this wretch).

If I were being really honest, most of my Facebook photos would be selfies of the bad hairdays, outfits I just don't feel came together and blemishes I try to cover up. If I were being honest, most of my posts would be how I'm struggling again with beating myself up over mistakes and guilt-ridden memories that Satan keeps digging up from the past to taunt me with. If I'm being honest, my Facebook life wouldn't be pretty - or likeable. Oh how different that Facebook movie would look.

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