Monday, May 23, 2016

It's Monday

It's Monday! It's the last full week of school. Just 8 days left and 3 of those are early dismissals plus field day, end of the year assemblies and celebrations... It's an exciting time of year and summer break is at the forefront of everyone's minds. I even dressed Violet in her brand new Minnie Mouse outfit in anticipation of just 31 days until our Florida vacation. I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it's Monday. Did I mention that? It's like the law of gravity or e=mc2. It seems when God created the world and set everything into motion that He must have divinely planned for Monday's to be the test of what we learned on Sunday. Am I right?! 

I woke up early. I woke up happy and refreshed. The baby slept through the night which meant I slept through the night. The coffee was preset and it would be ready by the time my feet hit the floor. That's enough reason to get me bounding out of bed. I'm now sitting here at high noon wondering what happened to the past 6 hours.

Picture the scene: My son's bed is unmade because in my effort to teach him responsibility he lacked the follow through this morning. His clothes are laying in the floor of the living room where he got dressed because, "There's not a dirty clothes basket down here so I can't put them away." In the rush of the morning I chose not to argue about this one but when I came back from the morning drop off, the clothes were missing. Had he in fact put them in the dirty clothes basket? The mystery would only later be solved... There's a pile of clothes, folded, alongside a stack of hangers covering our bed. I'm closet purging and only got mid-project before the baby ended her nap abruptly. For three solid hours I've been holding, bouncing, walking, rocking, nursing and soothing a very fussy baby. We'll chalk this up to what appears to be teething but bless her heart, she just won't let me put her down. So the clothes remain covering the bed but they have to go somewhere so we have a place to sleep tonight. I made my way downstairs to fix some lunch when I saw all the couch pillows knocked to the ground. It must be a game for the dog because he does it each and every day, several times a day, and always when I'm not looking. Oh, by the way, mystery now solved. I caught a glimpse of something red in the middle of the green grass. Yes, that would be my son's pajamas now strewn across the yard. Even as I was typing the fur baby came barreling in the house covered in black muck. We live in Virginia where the dirt is red so I don't even know where he's been. I admit I lost sight of him and forgot he was even outside given the state of the crying and gnashing of gums from the baby inside.

As I was making my lunch, I caught a glimpse of the coffee mug with a nearly full cup of now very cold and old coffee. I never got to finish it let alone savor it. I was so anticipating that java. it's just like the three unfinished projects I've started today while bouncing a baby and entertaining her with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (gasp!). Don't judge me. This is my Monday, my mess, my fussy baby and my blog. The thing about is I'm not even upset. This is real life. I had high hopes for today. I wanted to purge my entire closet, set things up to give away and sell. I planned to do the same to Violet's clothes and go through each of her drawers to remove the things that no longer fit. Yes, once again this little stinker has decided to grow and yet again I'm forced with the daunting task of clothes-swap. I have a full to-do list of work-related projects that I've only begun to look at, let alone tackle. And of course I had a new recipe I wanted to try for a home cooked meal. But here I sit, holding my now sleeping baby, perfecting the art of the one-handed typing and enjoying my little piece of peace in this present moment. 

Newsflash: I'm not going to be any less of a mom, wife or human if a bed goes unmade or clothes don't get put away. We won't be any less fed with takeout versus cuisine I make from scratch. This is my normal today and I'm finding the joy in it. I don't get to hold my baby while she's sleeping very much these days so I'm soaking in these snuggles. I don't usually have the time to sit and write so I'm relishing that as well. The radio and TV are off. There's a lawn mower in the distance and the chirp of birds outside but other than that, there's quiet. It's not usually quiet or calm in our house so I'm taking it all in and taking it all to heart. It's Monday. It could seem like just an ordinary day, one filled with problems and mishaps. But the sun came out and the sky is blue. I'm alive and breathing and determined to enjoy this day regardless of how many unfinished projects I start, or good intentions I don't fulfill. 

So have a good day. Better yet, make it a GREAT day. It is indeed up to you and what you choose for yourself and this day. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Blessed Be His Name

It's coming up on Mother's Day. It used to be one of the most dreaded holidays I could ever experience. Now it's one of my favorites. Mother's Day weekend always falls around my son's birthday and it stands as an annual reminder of God's richest blessings and answers to prayer.

I've spent some time this morning making my list:
- Cupcakes for Eli's Birthday
- Card for Mother's Day
- Wrap gifts

Just a few of the preparations in a weekend full of party plans. You know how seriously I take celebrating and this is certainly a weekend that deserves celebration. But not just birthday parties and mother's day plans. No, this calls for a full and complete honoring of the faithfulness of God. The sentiment attached to these memorable days is fiercely tied to remembrance and gratitude woven together with tenderness. This is my proclamation that God is faithful, so faithful.

Sunday morning we will sing the familiar worship song "Blessed Be Your Name." It holds significant meaning for me because it was the same song I stood to sing more than 8 years ago after learning a birthmother had not chosen me. Oh how I prayed. PRAYED. I called out, cried out, claiming the baby boy she was carrying by name. I asked God to do this - I knew that He could - and I believed in faith that He would. She seemed so genuine in the interview and I thought we had made a connection. I was certain, just sure, she felt it too and somehow I sensed God answering this prayer. But I was wrong. I was not the mother she would choose for her baby boy and one cold day in February I would learn he was placed with another family. Just days later I would stand in church and sing the words through tears, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be Your name."

I had to come face-to-face that day with the question of whether or not I would still choose to bless Him despite the emptiness my heart was facing. This Sunday I can stand and sing with full assurance of how much I not only believe it, but want to proclaim this truth:

Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

You may still hold your doubts, it's easy for me to bless His name after receiving His blessings. But lest I need to offer clarification...I've experienced the promised land of plenty but oh how I have also wandered through the desert. It makes me all the more aware of how blessed I am. How one can truly offer praise through the pain, how sacrifice and suffering can bring about perseverance and gratitude. My road to motherhood alone brought me through infertility, failed adoption placements, successful adoption, miscarriage and a successful pregnancy. It's why there's so much meaning to this celebration-filled weekend. It's the reminder of the hope we have in Christ. Even when life is difficult, complicated, painful and downright broken, I can hold onto a good, loving and faithful God who carried me through every tear-filled painful step that led me to where I am today. And this is only my journey to motherhood! I won't even use this blog space to write about the daily trials through motherhood and parenting, let alone life, love and other experiences.

There may be pain in your offering but He turns our mourning into dancing. He gives and takes away but He never leaves us. Whether you're dreading this weekend or preparing your own heartfelt celebrations, I pray you'll know His goodness and hope. I pray, if nothing else, you can celebrate His faithfulness in your life with confidence that He is working it all out for your good. You may not be able to see it yet. Eight years later I'm still discovering and being reminding of this truth. Through every blessing He's poured out, and yes even in the emptiness and darkness, my heart will choose to bless His name.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Abundance

...when it gets dark, and things look a bit hopeless, Lord, 
You lift our chins to look up at the stars, 
and whisper that no matter what's happened, what feels like burned up ashes today, You are redeeming it, You will redeem it, redemption will rise. 
Redemption is the papery ash that’s falling, 
turning, and uplifting, as sparks of pure glory...a bit like stars in the middle of the dark...
Ashes are never the last line of any of God stories.
Abundance is. - Ann Voscamp


Today marks an anniversary that's difficult to reflect upon. Five years ago fire destroyed the house I had once called home. What most people didn't realize at the time was my son and I had already been living out of the home for more than a year. It was one of the lowest points I can recall, questioning what was next, feeling helpless and hopeless and out of control of the pieces of a shattered life that I couldn't figure put back together. All of that was prior to the fire. 

Nothing prepares you for a tragedy like this. But nothing comes close to comparing the ways God reveals Himself in such times. I can look back at the days surrounding this event and recognize the abundant blessings God provided, the ways He miraculously allowed me to sense His presence, how He used hundreds of people to reach out and meet needs and provide in overwhelming abundance. 

I've seen the paper ash of redemption fall and turn into sparks of pure glory. I've witnessed the blazing fire of destruction reveal the refinement of tears into pure joy. What abundance looks like to me is an overwhelming supply of redemption freely given in the midst of heartache, tragedy and loss. It defines you. These are the places we build altars and cry out to God in praise and thanksgiving because He is faithful no matter what. 

What I need you to hear is that house fire was a turning point but more importantly it was a defining point. It was a moment I can claim in full assurance of faith that God, my God, is bigger, stronger, and victorious over whatever we may face. I stand here before you to proclaim His goodness, grace and mercy, knowing that when you're staring down the face of tragedy, crisis, uncertainty and pain, God is altogether working it out for your good. When it looks and feels absolutely hopeless, no matter what He is redeeming it. Ashes are not the end of my story. Abundance is.  



 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Answered Prayer

Here it is. Here is where I build the altar of remembrance and give thanks for what the Lord has done.

I told you earlier this week of the walls we were scaling. Claiming in faith that they would come crashing down. How can I keep from singing His praise when God has proven Himself mighty and victorious, able to conquer even the highest, most impenetrable wall?! Praise You, Lord!

This week has been filled, I mean FULL, of challenges. You know what I know about the Enemy has proven true. His fiery darts have been aimed this direction all week. A deathly ill child, a teething baby also going through a growth spurt, work obligations, church commitments, bible study, schedules having to be rearranged, and the list goes on and on. He was bound and determined to throw obstacle after barrier after stumbling block my way in an effort to trip me up. You know what I know about God is even more true because to His credit alone I never fell except to fall straight into the arms of Jesus. I've landed there several times this week - falling at His feet claiming those walls in faith, falling on my knees with hands raised in praise to Him when I saw Him answer.

Faith is my belief that God is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do. Faith requires my action to join with Him in what He's doing. He knows me so well. Because if I could do it all myself, I would certainly give myself all the credit and glory. Yet if I wasn't even able to bear witness to what He's doing I would fall short in taking an active part in what He's doing. Faith requires me to move forward, allowing me to be in the midst of the miracles He's working in my life.

This week my faith became sight. Faith that I will admit had grown dim at times. Prayers I have prayed for so long that I started to forget to believe they might actually be answered, let alone heard. This week God peeled back the curtain of doubt and allowed me to take a front row seat to His mighty display. He showed me He hasn't forgotten, He's heard every single prayer for 3 solid years and He had a plan the entire time. He proved to me that I was to be part of His plan.

I can look at this situation and identify one resounding theme. God never leaves us. He never forsakes us. But He also allows us to wait. Not to test our patience or our faith but to give us the opportunity to be part of the miracle. Here's what I realized. Had this answer come 3 years ago, it wouldn't have been near the victory. Had this answer come 3 years ago, I wouldn't have been so emotionally and spiritually invested. Had this been simple and quick, I wouldn't have had the privilege of waiting and believing in faith while I drew closer to Him over these last 3 years.

So here we are, three years later and I am writing this blog as a testimony that God is faithful! His ways are good. His works are mighty. And He never, ever fails.

I don't know what your wall looks like. I don't know how long you've prayed. I'm not sure where your faith stands right now. But I pray this will be an encouragement to you to know that God hears, He answers and He never fails.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Walls

Sunday was a worship experience unlike any given Sunday. You see last week our pastor presented us with the "Jericho Challenge." The Old Testament story is familiar to me, one I've read to my son a number of times. One I learned myself even as a child. The wandering in the wilderness was over - except the giant wall standing between God's Chosen People and their Promised Land. How could God have brought them all this way only to land them in front of an impossible, impenetrable wall? They had their very literal marching orders: March around the wall six days and say nothing. Just march. On the seventh day march around seven times and shout and blow their horns. They weren't supposed to fight, climb or knock it down. All they had to do was march then shout and the walls would come down. With very little effort on their part, actually. All it required was faith and obedience.

Our own Jericho challenge began with a week-long process to identify and pray against the walls in our lives that need to come down. Was it something preventing intimacy with the Lord? Maybe an obstacle or trial? A wall of impossibility? I took the challenge seriously because, being blatantly honest, we are facing some giant walls. Unscaleable in my opinion. But nothing God doesn't know about and already have a sovereign plan for. I prayed. I begged God - just like I have been doing for weeks, months. There's something about writing out your requests and your prayers. Making your prayers known before God in a way that you can visualize and recognize that nothing is impossible for Him. Knowing my God CAN make those walls fall. And on Sunday morning I stood with others claiming in faith and I prayed and shouted and asked God to TEAR DOWN THE WALLS.

You know what I know about the Enemy? He is real, lurking, seeking whom he may devour. He knows exactly where our weaknesses lie, the chinks in our armor where he can target us. He can't claim my soul but he can surely attack my spirit and knock me to the ground. If I'm not armed and ready, I may be rendered useless. You know what I know about God? He is good, faithful, just, merciful, loving, Sovereign. But over all this, over everything, He is victorious. The Enemy may be able to knock us down, cause discouragement, even seemingly defeat us - but we are more than conquerors through Christ. The same power that rose Jesus from the grave is the power available to us to defeat the Enemy and cause those walls to fall.

This isn't some Old Testament fairy tale. This is putting feet to our faith. Sure, I admit I thought the Baptist preacher had gone a little Pentecostal on us because this was definitely "out of the ordinary" for our semi-conservative-somewhat-contemporary church. It was certainly a deviation from our traditional service. But it was also Spirit-filled and Spirit-lead and spiritually uplifting to publicly stand and claim in faith that we were asking God to bring the walls crashing down. In this case I was being asked to do the unthinkable. It had nothing to do with how uncomfortable I may have been to shout in church. It had everything to do with surrendering control. Relinquishing the fact that God wasn't asking for my action or involvement. He was simply commanding me to obey, trust and believe.

I stand here today and cannot tell you that I've now successfully taken possession of my Promised Land. But I can stand here today and tell you that what feels impossible has now been proven to be something God is working out for my good. The walls that have seemed impenetrable are literally falling down around me as I watch in wonder at how God is working. The rubble around me could seem like a mess but these are the stones from which I'll build an altar of remembrance to honor the way my Almighty Sovereign God has been at work. What I realized on Sunday is that the God of the Old Testament Jericho walls is the same God of my very present time of need. Today I will stand on the rooftops and shout out my praise to Him! My good, deserving, Sovereign, wall-crushing God!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God You are faithful

I could barely sing the words today. There's not enough blog space to capture all the ways God has shown His faithfulness to me. When I was unfaithful. When I was faithless. When I could barely muster up hope to make it through another day. And today I stood before my church to proclaim that never once, not during any of the deepest darkest pits, never in the barrenness or emptiness, not in the loneliness or brokenness, never once did He ever leave me on my own. With hands raised to Him I testified that never once did I walk alone. Not during any of the tests or trials, not across any of the roughest terrain I could ever traverse. He was there, right there, being my faithful loving God through it all. 

Did you hear me? I stand before you to proclaim His faithfulness. Yes, I admit I say this in what may appear a mountaintop season. But I assure you, we are in the middle of a season filled with unexpected outcomes and unpredictable change. There's still much to be discovered and determined and things unfolding that I am not in control of. And it is in this season of uncertainty when I stood on stage with tears in my eyes barely able to utter a note yet breathing out His praise because I know my God is faithful. I know even this isn't too much for Him. Even this He has covered. Even this is in His control. Even this. Praise You, faithful God!

I don't know what season you're in. I don't know what you're facing. I don't know if you're wondering how God could ever redeem any of this or if you're proclaiming His goodness because of the mighty work He's done. Wherever you find yourself, I pray you can know and trust His faithful love and promise. He is faithful. Faithful to complete the work He's begun in each of us. Faithful to direct our paths. Faithful to redeem our lives. Faithful to restore what the locusts have destroyed. Faithful to never leave His children. Faithful to be our shield and defense, our strength and our Rock. Never once should we lose faith because He is Faithful God! 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Wired

It was bedtime. The dreaded bedtime. I'm not sure how it plays out at your house but in ours it is a constant struggle. If you've heard one, you've heard every excuse.

"I need a drink." We provide a bottle of water by the bed.

"I'm hungry." There is a bedtime snack every night.

"I need to use the bathroom." You just went.

"I'm scared about______." (Fill in the blank, it could be any given reason on any given night.) We will pray about it.

"I had a bad dream." You haven't even been asleep yet to dream...

And the list goes on...

It often ends in tears. For us both. Because let's be honest, by this point the day had been full of trials and frustrations and I was more than ready for bed. I can't quite figure out why it's such a fight, but for us, in our house, it's much more than stall tactics. Often it's about control. And even more times than not, it's something more.

"Just be still," I said calmly as I softly rubbed his back. "Calm your body. Rest." I could tell he was trying but still wired. 

"Mom, my body is calm. My heart is calm. It's my brain! Everything is just jumbled up in my brain," he said through tears. Now my own tears were falling but not out of frustration. Out of pure sympathy because I knew this wasn't an excuse. This was real. 

It's not like I haven't laid there, frustrated, body exhausted but my racing mind preventing me from sleep. I knew it was more than an excuse tonight. The day had been long and difficult. I pray often for the Lord to help me understand the way this buzzing mind works, so different from my own, and here it was right before me. A glimpse into his world, his "jumbled up brain" that often gets in his own way. The creativity is unmatched. The ingenuity is apparent. There's undeniable gifts and talent and wit. Yet jumbled in among all this possibility is an amount of chaos that I can't begin to explain or understand. And often, neither can he. It's part of who he is and while there may not even be a definition or label for it, there is no mistaking its prevalence in his life and how it affects the world around him.

Talk about issues of control. I can't control him or his behavior and it's all I can do to control my own reactions. It causes me to lose my cool. I get so frustrated I can't see straight. Which makes me realize in my own frustration how he must feel in those quiet, calm moments when he acknowledges, "I'm different from everybody else." No, you can't visibly see differences but observe for a few minutes and then you'll notice. We're not talking about a hyperactive boy. This isn't being unruly or undisciplined. Although the cashier in Target seemed to think it was and gave me quite an earful about how I need to get control of him. I bit my tongue. The defiance is a struggle but not just because he's allowed to act this way. It's a diagnosis I have trouble wrapping my own brain around - let alone trying to get inside his and begin to understand.

Thank you, ma'am. I'll take my purchases and my out-of-control son and we'll be on our way. I will discipline him like a maniac because of how embarrassed I was in public then apologize to him through my own repentant tears because I can't help that he can't help it. I will struggle to determine if its disobedience or a malfunction in my parenting. I will pray to God for more wisdom and understanding - not to figure out his jumbled up brain but to be able to reach his heart and not break his spirit in the process.

He's wired differently than me. Not because he's adopted. Not because he's not parented or loved. It's his God-given design. It doesn't make it wrong or bad. It can be, at times, difficult and challenging. Baffling and frustrating. It can also be witty and smart, ingenious and brilliant. Just last week he figured out a contraption to shade the sun from his sister in her bouncy seat that I stared in amazement at wondering how on earth he even thought to do it. He's not just wired and bouncing off the walls, he's wired for life, for creativity, for heart-melting moments of adoration and love towards his sister, for his attempts to be accepted and act like everyone else when he was created to be uniquely him.

It's April and it's Autism Awareness month and I hold a special place in my heart for those parents I know deal with struggles and challenges I can't even begin to understand. This hasn't been our world even though we're staring down assessments and testing and results to help us figure out exactly what all this may "be." The reality is it doesn't take a psychologist or diagnosis to tell me what I already know. I have been gifted this amazing boy whom I love as fiercely as I fight for him. I fight for him to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted despite his differences but more than all this, I fight for him to be the person God sovereignly created him to be. The only label that becomes necessary is simply that, child of God. That's my boy. My amazing boy.