This is Me

I haven’t had much to say lately. If I’m being honest, things have been wonderfully hard. I recognize the dichotomy in that phrase alone and it’s exactly what I mean. There’s so much going on in my life, in our home, in our family, and it kind of goes back to when we talked about comparative grief. What I’m facing isn’t the same as what others are facing...but it’s been difficult for me. It’s a season and I know it’s one that everyone is experiencing and reacting to differently.

It hit me hard when a friend talked about my personality being productive and positive when some people are having a hard time getting out of bed. When I heard someone else say she hasn’t put on makeup or real clothes in two weeks, it dawned on me that I must be somewhere in the distinct minority of people who have just gone about my days and weeks doing my best to adjust.

It’s true. My personality finds me in the epitome of a 3 on the Enneagram, pushing through, pressing on, making the best of things and not just the most it. I cook, clean, and bake feverishly with the energy I feel. I put my effort into crafts and activities. I feel lazy for sitting on the couch. I will forever seek to be the cheer captain. It is my nature to look for the positive and choose joy. It is a part of my genetic makeup to see the good and look for the blessings. It’s just how I’m wired. Realizing this may be drastically different from many others has somewhat paralyzed me for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I think if you’ve read any number of my posts or if you know me at all, you know my heart is never to hurt or harm. It’s never to convict or cast stones. I’m not trying to put on a show or pretend like everything is always good. I feel deeply. All the feelings. This week they’ve all been piling up on me.

Navigating job situations, feeling the pull to be in two places at once, homeschooling, everyone at home, missing family and friends, and even the magnitude of our churches not being together on Easter have all hit me hard this week. Even as I seek to reflect and remember all this Easter week means to me and my relationship with Christ, it’s left a different kind of pressure to figure out how to make it special and memorable and meaningful while at home. And since I’m being completely honest, I found myself coming up empty A LOT, only to realize I’ve tried numerous times to rely on my own strength.

It’s a lot, isn’t it? I know it feels heavy. I’ve never meant for it to seem like I’m just going about life as normal. I am getting up and going on each day, doing my best to make the best AND the most of it. But I know that’s not the same for everyone. I know it’s hard. I know getting up and facing another day can be paralyzing. I know the magnitude of this is affecting everyone differently. I understand even I truly don’t experience it the same way. I sympathize AND empathize.

What I also recognize is we will all respond differently. We all have different complications and pressures facing us. And no matter how different we are or how we feel and react, When our strength is gone, when we can’t even muster the energy to get out of bed, we can call upon the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead! (Romans 8:11)

Please don’t feel sorry for me. Please don’t be upset if my energy or positivity doesn’t match yours. Please don’t judge me if we respond differently. I simply want us all to realize we are preparing to celebrate our risen Savior. We know He rose and conquered death and sin and that is the same power we have within us if we have accepted His gift of salvation.

Claim it. Know it. Believe it. Even when you don’t feel it. Trust it. Trust HIM. His power is limitless even when you have no strength. This is why we celebrate. This is why we have hope. This is Easter.