In the Arms of Jesus

Today we celebrate Baby Wright's home going to be with Jesus. We love this baby more than words can describe even though we won't meet this side of heaven. For the past five weeks we've known we have celebrated this life. Now we mourn the loss of our baby and the death of so many hopes and dreams we were embracing and preparing for. The arms holding me up are the same Sovereign arms now rocking my baby. There's comfort in that thought, despite the deep grief and pain. 

They repeatedly tell you not to think you did something wrong. I now understand this. It somehow feels like my fault but I did everything I could and I won't think for a second that I didn't pray enough or have strong enough faith. I trusted God for this baby. I trusted Him to take care of our baby. I know that He is, only now He is holding my baby for me until we meet in eternity. God didn't cause this to happen to us because of anything we did or didn't do. 

It's easy to ask why. Why God? Why did you choose to take our baby? Why did I get pregnant if the baby was just going to die? He knows I prayed for this child. Most assuredly. And I know He answered. For reasons I may never know in my time on earth He chose to take the same baby I prayed for and now He's holding our baby all while He's holding my broken heart. It's true God is close to the brokenhearted, otherwise I wouldn't be able to breathe.

You give and take away, blessed be Your name. I can't just proclaim His greatness when I am being blessed. Make no mistake this baby was so many answers to prayer. I have to know and still trust the God who works in ways I cannot understand. Even when it feels impossible. 

This has been one of the worst physical pains I've ever known. Emotionally it is catastrophic. I also understand this is just the beginning of a roller coaster of feelings and a process of grief before acceptance comes. It doesn't mean I'm angry at God but it does mean I am human and all these emotions are real. Please know we don't regret sharing our exciting news early. The world of social media has allowed so many to rejoice with us as we have celebrated our miracle. Now we share our news of grief and we know that many will share in our sorrow. We only ask what we've always asked - for all your thoughts to turn to prayers as we seek to continue to glorify our Sovereign Lord...in all things. 

My dear sweet husband has been by my side every step of the way, even in what was one of my lowest moments I can ever remember. There I sat writhing in pain and sobbing on the shower floor as he washed my hair. I can't understand his grief as a father, yet somehow he managed to hold me in the midst of my sobs and tell me how beautiful I am. He said I made all his dreams come true. The grief he feels for someone he never even met while he's comforting his broken wife is a strength that is helping see me through. It's a myriad of feelings but one thing is certain. These are the things that bring you closer together. I love him more now then I ever thought I could. 

You never wake up thinking somehow the date on the calendar will become etched in your mind. You don't go into everyday circumstances wondering if somehow this will be the thing that defines you. I can't tell you how I will feel at any given moment. I can't explain sudden outbursts of tears. I waiver between extreme feelings and moments of numbness. It's ok to feel this. It's ok to cry. It's ok to not understand, and I truly don't. What I do know is on October 2, 2014, heaven gained an angel, my angel. Our baby.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1