I Was Mad
I could feel it welling up inside me. It was an emotional fit I wasn't prepared for. My chest was heaving. My heart was pounding. I couldn't think - all I wanted to do was throw something. Where was this anger coming from? I was MAD!
It had been building up all week. I'd become increasingly aware of the baby bumps around me. Everytime I saw someone - complete strangers even - I was somehow drawn to their growing bellies. I seemed to feel physical emptiness each time I saw someone else's belly and became aware of the absence in my own.
Pregnancy announcements continued to pop up on the news feed. Not just one - multiple. Some due in May. Some I can genuinely say I am happy about - friends who deserve to be happy with their glowing pregnancies. But all reminders of joy that I was feeling left out of.
It wasn't one thing. But there was definitely a trigger. A handmade gift, something of a memoriam, that I found destroyed. Somehow my 65 lb doodle had confused it for a chew toy. There was that gift - in pieces. It seemed as though I was looking at my shattered heart. I knelt to pick up the pieces and then came the tears. But this wasn't a moment of sorrow. Sadness was void in my heart. I was full of outright anger and I just wanted to scream.
I wasn't mad at God. I knew better than that. But I certainly told Him outloud how I felt. I knew He already knew but it didn't stop me from asking Him all the questions that had been tucked away. I had a good cry. An even better honest talk with God.
Before anyone feels the need to reach out to me and offer your sympathies, let me explain something. Please hear me. I'm not still mad. I'm writing this days later. The truth is the only reason I'm writing this is for someone who may need to read this and know it's okay to feel this way too. I'm sharing this for the sheer fact that I'm normal. Human, in fact. Emotional and sometimes overwhelmed. And yes, sometimes even mad. It's okay, really, for me and for you. The thing I also know is that along with all the pregnancies that are being congratulated, there are other hearts aching who never even got the chance to announce their good news before they were all too soon experiencing grief.
"Be angry, yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27
Anger is a normal part of the grief process. Necessary, if you will, to help reach acceptance. Taking the biblical guidance on how to handle anger, we cannot let it be a place we set up camp. We can't allow it to be a breeding ground for evil. It's a part of the process, not the ending place.
So I admit. I was mad. I was mad. And I'm glad I was. I needed to let that out. I needed to feel it. I needed to go through it. I don't feel something everyday, not all the time. Sometimes I don't know when it will hit or what will be the trigger. But I do have my moments and I believe they are not only normal, they're allowed. All part of the healing process.
(Now, please, pretty please, don't get all stressed out and worried. I'm not mad anymore!)