Showing posts from June, 2011

Demolition Day


As Christians we have the hope of "But God..." Knowing that His grace is enough. Believing that we won't be given more than we can handle. Trusting He provides a way out for us.

It's all there in black and white - God-breathed and Holy Spirit-inspired. It's not that we doubt; but am I alone in my honesty when I admit that at times I've lost all hope? Or that I can't find the escape? Or I feel it IS more than I can bear? The point when I've reached the desert. The bottom has fallen out. The walls have crumbled down. Hope seems futile. Peace is long-forgotten. Comfort doesn't come. Alone. Destitute. This may be the onslaught of the "ugly cry" I referenced last week.

I find myself like the panting deer. "O God, you are my God and EARNESTLY I seek you. My soul thirsts for you and my body LONGS for you..." (Psalm 63:1, emphasis mine)

It's not for a lack of searching. I know what I need. I'm desperate for it. A touch. A word. …

I Will Trust Him

I love a good thunderstorm. When the sky blackens with fierce clouds. The thunder starts to roll, echoing across the expanse. Every now and then a deafening clap out of nowhere resounds with such force that it seems to shake the foundation. Spears of light crackle through the sky, piercing down to the ground. I like them best when I can be curled up on the couch, or lying in bed listening to the pounding rain.

But it wasn't always like this. Every kid has a fear of thunderstorms at one point or another, right?! During the midst of a thunderstorm when I was scared underneath my covers and my mom came to comfort me, it may have in fact been the first verse I ever learned by heart.  Of course mom and the bible, what could be a better comfort. She shared Psalm 56:3, "What time I am afraid, I will trust Him."

That means in the middle of the scary thunderstorm; I will trust Him.

And now as an adult, that verse still holds true. For whatever I fear. Whenever I'm afraid. Yet…


Disappointment. Heartache. Pain. Failure. Grief. Everything seems to be crashing down. One thing after another. Over and over and over... You can't seem to catch a break. Each day you wake up wondering "What else could go wrong?" He promised not to give you more than you can bear...but you begin to wonder just how strong He thinks you are. You say to the Lord, "What more can I handle?" You pray for relief. You pray for comfort. You pray for peace.

We consider ourselves "modern-day Job's." This is Job with a long "o" (pronounced "oh"). The biblical example of testing and perseverance. His name is literally translated "hated." Oh, I bet there were days he hated his life. I am sure there were moments he hated a lot of things.

And then there's the short "o" pronunciation for the word job (pronounced "ah"). Not the person but the thing we do. In Genesis man was cursed to "till" the ground…


LOL! We text it, IM it, email it, and use it to the point of abusing the "Laugh Out Loud" expression. We can insert the little laughing emoticons and show our expression of hilarity. We share when something is genuinely funny enough to evoke a legitimate "laugh out loud" response.
With my admonition from yesterday to grab the kleenex and let the tears roll, there's certainly a time to cry. But there is also a time to laugh.
Of course the depth of the laugh can range from a giggle to cackling. In between are the snorts, the belly laughs and the chuckles.  
You may have overheard one of the thousand times this year when I've said, "If I don't laugh, I'll cry." In all reality, I choose joy. Despite the tears that can come (yes, I admit I've had a few ugly cries recently), it is my response to the out-of-control-circumstance that I can control. Even when I choose joy - despite the pain I may feel - there are moments when you just need a go…

Just Cry

What can I say? Sometimes you just need a good cry. I'm not talking the tiny trickle of a tear tenderly rolling down a cheek. I'm talking about what I once heard Oprah call "the ugly cry." (No, I don't endorse or particularly like Oprah but the description works.)

When I say "the ugly cry" I don't just mean the whites of your eyes are bloodshot. I mean your eyelids are nearly swollen shut, your cheeks are blotchy and puffy, your nose is red and inflamed, also pouring forth liquid that only adds to the ugliness, body shaking, chest heaving, trying to catch your breath because you've gotten so caught up in your convulsion of tears that you can barely breathe. But in this state of solitude and despair you find the ability to release the hurt and pain through your streaming tears. They come hard and fast. Uncontrollable and volatile. You've worn your brave face for a long, long time. And now it's time to cry.

This is the release of every emo…


Overwhelm. Definition, please:
1. toovercomecompletelyinmindorfeeling. 2. tooverpowerorovercome,especiallywithsuperiorforces;destroy;crush. 3.tocoverorburybeneathamassofsomething,submerge.

Are you overwhelmed? Facing a situation that may have seemingly taken over your feelings and thoughts. Are you feeling overpowered by your circumstances, left defeated and destroyed? Do you feel so buried beneath the looming darkness that seems to be drowning your joy? Overwhelmed. 

It can happen to the best of us. It can happen when we least expect it. It's the point we reach when we simply feel as if we cannot go any further. Feeling so overcome with your circumstance and the emotions that overtake you, moving forward just doesn't seem possible. 

Where do you pitch your tent?

Disappointment. It's a feeling. And I'm allowed to have it. After a thought-provoking and heart-felt discussion at bible study, I was reminded that disappointments come. Circumstances that cause pain are not always avoidable. My emotions aren't wrong. They're real. They're valid. They're MY feelings. I am allowed to feel them. What I realized, though, is I must not camp there. I cannot pitch my tent in the eternal land of disappointment and discouragement. I must know and realize I am just a traveler passing through.

As I navigate through the curves and turns and hurdles, I am reminded to count it all joy. How? How do I turn to joy in the midst of pain? Because joy is not based upon my circumstance. Joy is not dependent on my feelings. Joy is not dictated by my state of disappointment or contentment.

" Your presence there is fullness of joy..." Psalm 16:11
I find joy by being in Your presence; sticking closely with you. Could my joy come from know…

Choices & Consequences

"Beware of...going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been." -O. Chambers

Knowing and doing are two different things. I'm all the more aware of this as I train and discipline and deal with a 3 year old. Everyone was right - "terrible 2's" were nothing compared to the "trying 3's." He's discovered his own will and his own ability to make choices. I can't tell you how many times a day he hears: "Make good choices. Is that a wise decision?" He knows there are consequences - good and bad - to the choices he makes. But it doesn't always help him choose wisely. He still battles his will of defiance and disobedience to test and see the limits.

As he is but 3, my prayer is he has a full and happy life to live. One that will surely be FULL of choices. Some he will make wisely and some he will suffer consequences for. I pray everyday over those decisions yet to come. And I'm also …


I've kept a journal since I was in high school. We won't talk about how long ago that was, but let's just say there's already been one formal reunion.

The blog you now read isn't meant for anyone. It's mine. My private thoughts. My talks with God. My discoveries of life. My lessons and experiences; my joy, my pain.

So why would I put it online for all the world to see? This is who I am. Wired for sound; amped up on life; bringing people along my journey in the process. More than that, it is who God made me to be. It's not about the attention. It's not for feedback and affirmation. It's because I'm real. It's because I experience hurts and disappointments. It's because I feel excitement and happiness. And through it ALL, I know that God is in it. Through all of the "life" that I've experienced, and in what I choose to share, I am hoping that you can experience HIM.

This blog exists because as long as I exist I answered the …