Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Always Good

"You look pregnant!" my husband exclaimed. I laughed and thanked him. It's a compliment these days. I feel I've successfully escaped the awkward "has she gained weight/is she pregnant?" guessing stage. Every week is a momentous milestone we stop and give thanks for. I count each day as a blessing.

Today is May 20. It's a beautiful, warm sunny day. On this day I'm mindful of the original due date I was given back in the fall when we first learned we were expecting. It's not a day full of sadness, although I'm very well aware that it could be. Circumstances have obviously changed and what I'm more aware of is how my own plan isn't necessarily God's plan. And that's okay. I can't be quite certain as to why and I certainly don't have all the answers. I can't even grasp His calendar or the infinite time table He has and how (or when) He chooses to work. I simply trust in His sovereignty and His promise to work ALL things for my good. Don't just skip over that.

All things for our good. It's one of those biblical truths we have become so familiar with we nearly gloss over it. Yet it should be running through our marrow. It should be the anthem we cry out in times of seeking and longing. It should be the truth we cling to in our time of desperation, holding firmly that He is at work.

I fully believe it becomes easier for me to trust this promise when I sense the changes of this new life inside me. Were I not pregnant right now would I still be able to proclaim His goodness? Yes, I have to say yes. Because God is good. All the time. The circumstance may not be ideal, it may not be what I expected, or maybe even what I hoped and prayed for, but no matter what the situation or even the outcome, the goodness of Almighty God never changes. He does not waiver. He does not falter. He does not fail. My flesh and my heart my fail, but He is my strength, my portion.

We hold fast that life begins at conception. As the Master and Creator of the Universe, He's now fashioning and forming this precious one inside me. I've heard the heartbeat (quite regularly thanks to the fetal doppler monitor we have at home - it's one of Eli's most favorite things). I've not felt this child move inside me, yet, but I've read the updates telling me this little one is actively squirming and moving about. There is also a soul in heaven. A life cut short, before it really began. One called home to eternity before ever realizing an earthly home. The one I didn't hold but who forever holds a piece of my heart. I had no idea I could love someone I never met and yet I feel another part of my heart grow more each day even as my waistline continues to expand. I'm mindful of God's plan - one I could have never known or guessed for myself. Yet, one that has drawn me close to Him in surrender and trust.

The lesson for me is remembering God's goodness. His sovereign and perfect plan no matter how I feel, no matter what disappointment I've faced, no matter what I may not understand. He is good. Always. He works all things for my good according to His plan, not mine. Always. 

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