Thursday, May 11, 2017

For Mother's Day

Portions of this blog are modified from May 8, 2014. 


I get sentimental around this time. It's a divine gift that my little miracle celebrates life
during the same time of year when I get to celebrate becoming a mother. Nine years ago
on Mother's Day I wasn't even aware of him. Yet I was oh-so-aware of the absence of him.
I prepared myself for yet another Sunday when I'd sit in church and all the mothers around
me would stand to be recognized while I would silently sit, hiding my pain and choking back
tears. 

Nine years hasn't been enough time for me to forget the ache I carried of wanting to carry a
child. Even now after carrying my own child, I remember it all. I pray I never forget. May is also 
the month when we should have welcomed another child but that was not God's plan. 
It makes me mindful that every time I see a miracle enter someone's world that someone 
else is still praying and waiting and hoping for theirs. 

I was never good with kids. I wasn't the sister who played school and ultimately grew up to be 
a teacher. I was never happy when my mom required my help with nursery duty, something 
she chose Sunday after Sunday. I was desperately worried that I wouldn't bond with a baby 
I didn't feel kick. I was concerned I wouldn't love a child that bore no resemblance of me. 
None of that mattered. When they placed that tiny baby boy in my arms, I knew instantly 
he was mine. Now having gone through adoption, miscarriage, and delivering my own baby, 
I can assuredly testify there is absolutely no difference in the differing ways I've become a 
mother. My journey to motherhood has been nothing short of the miraculous hand of God 
orchestrating these lives, this family, together; all to give me the title I most proudly wear 
of "mom." But before I bore that title, I wore the one of barren, alone, hurting, aching, 
ashamed, afraid, empty. It doesn't have it's own "title" but it carries a host of emotions 
feelings that feel like the weight of your silent infertile world. 

I will never forget the plaque I bought the day the doctor broke the news.
"However motherhood comes, it is a miracle." I hung it in the room that would later
become Elijah's nursery. I prayed there every morning until he came to occupy it as his room.
Then I prayed there every night as I rocked him to sleep. Now I get the privilege of rocking
another one and I can't help but stand amazed at how God planned it all and put it together.
It certainly isn't how I would have pictured or planned. I wouldn't have chosen the pain and tears
but I wouldn't trade it now for either one of my children and how they came to be mine. 

A baby changes everything. The desire for a baby can too. I don't do anything half-heartedly,
so you better believe I threw every amount of energy, strength, desire, hope and a whole lot
of prayer into the journey of becoming a mother. My journey wasn't easy. So many times I'd
find myself angry or frustrated because yet another person was "accidentally" pregnant or
"surprise, we weren't even trying." How could it be so "easy" for them? How could it be so
difficult for me? 

I've said it before but it bears repeating: I didn't carry him for 9 months but I waited for years
to become a mother. Countless charting and testing. No day on the calendar was sacred.
It all took on new meaning in the journey that consumed my every thought and action.
It happened all over again when Michael and I hoped God would bless us with a baby,
only to receive our miraculous answer and all too soon have the dream come crashing down.
There were even more questions, hurt, tears, and feelings of torment I hadn't ever experienced
before. More waiting and wondering and desperately trying to find my footing on my Faithful
God who had never failed me before but Whom I was certainly having a hard time trusting
especially with this. 

I've sat across the table from far too many women crying tears of barrenness, praying for
God to grant their request. I've seen miracles through adoption, fertility treatments, and
pure acts of God defying all diagnoses. Truly, however motherhood comes it is a miracle. 

My miracles are no different, and if you're still waiting, hoping and praying, yours will surely
be nothing less. 

Today there are some missing their mothers. I think about my Nanny and how much she
would adore her growing great grandchildren. I think about all she's missing here only to
be reminded that really it's just us missing her here. She would have loved to be a part of
our lives still, and yet she's experiencing the purest joy of eternal life. 

Today there are some mourning the loss of children they never met. Babies gone before
ever breathing their first breath. The bittersweet hope of what never came to be.
We have our own little one we'll meet one day in eternity.

Today there are those still grieved with empty arms and wombs. I pray for their comfort
and peace. I pray for a loving Father to wrap His arms around them even as they seem to
hopelessly wait. 

Today there are others finally holding the miracle they've waited and prayed for, even though
it didn't come they way they may have planned, today is a day of rejoicing in finally
understanding the fruition of God's Sovereign plan. Even on the days when I question
whether or not I have the strength and grace to parent despite the challenges I don't think
I'm equipped to handle, I know this is what God planned for me. It's an amazing fact
whenever I feel less than capable because I can know with certainty that no one other than
God Himself could have put this all together. It is that very thought that gives me the strength
and grace to make it.

However motherhood comes, it is a miracle. However you're celebrating this weekend,
maybe with joy, tears, or a mixture of both, I pray you'll not let this day dictate who you
are as His daughter and His child. Whatever title you do or don't bear, you are His and His
perfect plan for your life is still being worked out. Even as you wait, even as you grieve,
even as you rejoice, He is working out your miracle. I pray you'll have His grace and strength
today, whatever you may be feeling or facing. I pray you'll embrace his understanding
even though it might not make sense right now. I pray you'll experience the joys of Mother's
Day even though this day may still bring so much pain. 

Happy Mother's Day

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