Panic Stricken

I had a panic attack today. 

There I was, facing people, talking, interacting, and suddenly I became overwhelmed, filled with anxiety. My heart was racing. I tried to get a grip on what was happening and the more I sought to regroup, the less I had control over the situation and myself. It was terrifying. Sickening. Debilitating. 

I need to back up. If you know me, you know that panic and anxiety aren't something that ordinarily plague me. There have been circumstances in the past that brought about panic and anxiety, things that have since become very distant memories, but all based on the extreme life experiences I was facing at the time. So to be panic-stricken to the point of barely being able to function today was something I wasn't prepared for and hadn't experienced in quite a long time. 

What I've come to understand about most emotions - fear, anger, anxiety, and any number of things we may feel - is they are typically secondary emotions for what lies beneath the surface. In this case I can't pinpoint what happened, why it happened, or what caused this sudden onslaught of anxiety to leave me a near shell of myself. I just know I got overwhelmed and that led to panic and that led to me being out of control of myself and that was sheer terror.

I need to add this. Just last night I was watching Louie Giglio on Life Today talk about his struggle with anxiety and depression. I shared a quote from him specifically targeting anxiety. "Anxiety is the byproduct of me wanting to control my world." This morning I was pouring over scripture and listening to one of the video sessions in his series from Goliath Must Fall. Little did I know that a day later I would be experiencing that firsthand. If any of us are too naive to think for one second that Satan didn't have his ugly hands all over this given everything I was just studying then we are fools indeed. 

Here's what you may already know. I have a long-standing battle with trying to control basically everything around me. It is, and will probably always be, one of the things that so easily entangles me.  I don't feel I live under the weight of anxiety but I do know that my desire (obsession?) to control things is something that weighs heavily on me. 

What I've come to learn through Giglio's series is that living under ANY weight - anything that causes me to not have freedom in Christ - robs Almighty God from His glory. As he reminds us, our giants are not something we have to battle. Our giants are in fact DEAD. Christ died for ALL of them, once and for all, then conquered every single sin, fear, doubt, worry, giant, you name it, when He defeated death - and all our giants with it - and rose from the grave. 

So this battle, this desire for control in my life, the battle of depression, anxiety, addiction, obsession - or whatever it may be in your life - is needless. Yes, you heard me correctly. We are needlessly fighting these battles. In fact, whatever "it" is diminishes the power and might of our God and strips Him of the glory He could have in our lives. Make no mistake, God's glory is never taken away from Who He is but we forfeit the opportunity for it to be fully on display in our lives when we live under the weight of whatever else "controls" us, riddles us useless, diminishes our own ability to be who He created us to be.

Stop right there. Some of you may be reading this and what may have started as feeling a little sorry for what I faced has now turned into contrary feelings given the ongoing Giant you face. I mean no disrespect. I hope you know my heart. I just know my own human tendencies and where I fall short. Giglio makes it clear that our giants may be dead but can still be deadly. They may haunt, torment, prevent, inhibit, prohibit, render useless, and leave us destroyed. For something that has no "life" it certainly can suck the life out of us. 

Today I had a panic attack. Today I was reminded of my weakness. Today I was brought back to the place of complete dependence on God and His strength and mighty in my life. Today I was reminded that Giants I've thought buried and gone are capable of having a deadly impact when you least expect it. Today I got to experience His grace. Today I felt defeat but was not defeated. 

You need to know your Giants will not defeat you. They've already been defeated. His Might and Glory are ready to be on display in our lives. I am writing this post, sharing this very vulnerable place, for the sheer purpose of hoping He will be glorified.