Even as I lay here I am so nauseated that I can't stand up. Nor could I enjoy any part of the celebratory birthday dinner for my husband tonight. Yet I've never seen anything more beautiful. There's a little white mark that looks as if it might be protruding from its eye. That is my precious baby's little hand that was just waving back and forth as if knowing we were watching. Yes, there were tears. And quite truthfully there was an amazing sense of peace.
I've struggled with anxiousness and worry and fear. Totally normal after a loss, I suppose, but convincing myself that this wasn't the same story and God is sovereignly in control has often eluded my overwhelming anxiety. The thing is it's all out of my hands and if you've ever read my blog before you know I openly admit my struggle with control. So what does that leave me with? Simply put, trust and faith. If I've learned anything these past weeks it's truly to cherish each moment. Each nauseous moment. Each exhausted moment. Each sign of life. I've witnessed first hand how quickly life can change and I've also seen how the only thing that can get us through any amount of tragedy and heartache is faith in an Almighty God. Gratitude all the time. In all things. No matter what.
And even as I post this photo I know full well the pain it may bring to someone's heart. I've felt that pain. The unfulfilled longing of empty arms, the heart wrenching conflict of trying to find joy for the miracle we're experiencing while experiencing the sting of praying for your own. Please know I don't want this image to hurt you in any way, but rather be a symbol of hope in a God who hears and answers prayer.
You've watched my journey unfold through the posts of this forth telling blog. If you've missed any of it, let me suffice to say this: My God is good all the time, in all things. He is the Redeemer of despair and the Healer of brokenness. He is Creator and Master over each and every detail of our lives, even when it doesn't make sense.
I am rejoicing. I am giving Him praise. He alone deserves the glory. He alone has proven His miraculous wonders, even when He moves in ways we cannot understand. He is the Giver of life, but it is up to us to choose how we will spend our breath. Let me live that I may praise You!