Monday, August 17, 2015

Transparent

Transparent. At least that's what has been said of me today. I'm honored by this tribute but I feel as if I owe you all a complete and transparent explanation.

There I was Saturday night, 27 weeks and 6 days pregnant, staring down the third and final trimester as if it was about to knock me square between the eyes. A wave of emotions flooded me, but mostly the fear took over. "I can't do it," I sobbed to my husband. "This baby has to come out and I don't think I'm strong enough."

Never mind the fact that I had been absorbed in labor and delivery documentaries, reading and researching, spending my "unwind" time before bed engrossed in other people's sagas of their own birthing process. I saw it all. The good, the bad, the "oh my word" and the very ugly. "No more documentaries," my kind and patient husband encouraged. "You're going to be fine and I'm going to be right by your side." I feel confident that most pregnant women have had this rock and hard place hurdle they must overcome. (Don't tell me if you haven't - I'm genuinely only looking for sympathy and encouragement on this one!)

Then Sunday rolled around. An exceptionally spirit-filled service watching our children give testimonies of how God had worked in their lives at summer camp, followed by bed time emotions the night before the first day of school. We'd had some challenging moments, moments that left me stumped as a parent. Then it hit me all over again. I couldn't hold back the uncontrollable tears, feeling like a failure as a mother and praying for God to put people in his life who will love and understand him. "If I can't figure him out, how will others?" I sobbed again to my ever-listening husband. Then God gave me that verse and the blog that helped me realize the One Who knows and understands and loves him more than anyone, even his mother, ever could. 

By this morning, the much-anticipated first day of school, you can only imagine that the emotions packed on top of the pregnancy hormones were at an all-time high. So when an external frustration caused a disruption and altered our schedule, along with presenting an unwanted conflict, it wreaked havoc on my already weary nerves. Because of the added stress, we forgot his backpack. On the first day of school! Mom of the year? Not likely. My boy was fine, an angel even, and he took it better than me. I tried to shield him from the frustrations and pull myself together so as not to disrupt HIM and ruin his day. I managed to pray with him and over him the best I could. "Lord, I don't even know what to ask except for You to be with him." 

I was ridiculously late for my 28 week check up and all-important glucose test because of how the morning had gotten deterred. I hadn't had time to be nervous but I certainly knew my blood pressure was through the roof. By the time the doctor came in I simply couldn't hold it together. I turned into a blubbering mess and could barely explain why. 

You need to understand, if I'm being transparent, I don't cry. Like crying is actually difficult for me. But apparently pregnancy has changed that! I'm learning to expect this new reality that I simply cannot control or contain my many changing emotions nor the flood of tears that so easily comes. 

I'm the midst of it all, God has been there. Calming me, bringing people to encourage me. At church yesterday someone told me she had been reading my blog and hadn't been to church in awhile but something I wrote, something she read, encouraged her to come to church. Yes, tears, and rightfully so! Praise God!! This morning an early message arrived telling me that verse I had written about, the one she's read so many times before, had so suddenly hit her and was exactly what she needed to read. Yes, me too!! Even today, this undeserved honor of reading how somehow something I did years ago was a blessing to someone else. It's humbling and inspiring all at the same time but don't miss this - this isn't about me! This is about GOD! How He intricately works in the details of our lives. How He uses our words, our actions, things we may never even realize, to bless and encourage others. And now He was using these things to encourage me. 

Today was a day that I needed to be encouraged. Today was a day I needed to be able to sit down in a booth with a friend and share my frustrations and vent. Today was a day that I needed to actually be told I was going to make it. And God graciously provided exactly what I needed. 

I'm happy to report I passed my glucose test, my gracious doctor calmed my fears about labor and delivery and assured me I can - and will - in fact be able to do this, and as for the first day of school, Eli's exact words were, "I had a great day! I didn't even have to be talked to." I'd call that success! 

The reality is I don't have it all together and since we're being transparent, I have days when I need more grace than I certainly deserve. I'm going to bed tonight with an overflowing heart, ever mindful of God's working in the details of our lives and His ability to provide for us exactly what we need when we need it. There may be tears but only over the reality of how simply good He is. And that is as transparent as I know to be.

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