God Showed Up

God showed up for us in a huge way today. I won’t go into detail but our family was facing a monumental decision. It was one of those things where it would have impacted each of us individually and all of us collectively for years to come. It’s been a whirlwind for a few days as we debated, discussed, prayed, weighed out options and prayed some more. I have to be honest. The point of this post is not to share what happened as much as it is to give God the glory for His faithfulness in each and every detail of our lives.

I’ll keep the specific situation vague because I think the journey is what can apply to others. In this case I have to admit I was seeking God’s will.  We were prayerfully asking for Him to reveal our next steps. That didn’t stop the actual situation from being a tornado of activity that required quick decisions and huge risks. Being as transparent as I know to be, I don’t know how you discern the balance between forcing your will and waiting for God’s. Don’t get me wrong. I am still standing here, spared and bathing in His mercy, wondering if it was my fault or if was He silent. Wondering if I forced my own agenda or if I completely missed His.

We wrestled. We went back and forth. We never felt a clear and utter "no" so we continued. We pressed on. Slowly at first then rapidly because the situation seemed to demand our hurried pace. We stopped to pray. Repeatedly. It seemed as if we needed to keep going so we did. I prayed for God to SLAM THE DOOR SHUT if it wasn't His will but it remained wide open. So we walked through. Once the decision was made I was literally physically sick. I spent the entire night in angst, anxiety and stress like I haven’t known in quite some time. I debated even the feeling. Was it the enemy attacking or was it God preventing? I couldn’t be sure. I prayed, I read, I sought Him. I strapped up with the full armor and claimed every Scripture I knew by heart and read others I needed to let soak into my marrow. The more I read, the more angst I felt. I might as well have been Jacob wrestling that angel and I would surely walk away injured. 

Please understand, in no way am I blaming God. The situation presented with pros and cons on each side, life-changing positives and negatives that we weighed out and considered and earnestly sought Him over. Ultimately it felt up to us since He hadn't made it clear. I thought. Have you ever been there? Have you ever weighed out the situation and prayed for confirmation only to feel you didn't have a clear answer?

Now as I retrace His hand, I see where my slow and almost unaware motions were pushes toward my own agenda. As unintentional as it may have been, if I’m being completely honest, I have to recognize He gave small intentional pushes that I think I just ignored or wasn’t paying attention to. Have you ever missed it? Have you ever missed Him?

So here I sit. Nearly flabbergasted by His goodness to redeem me yet again for the mess I almost created. Even that statement seems foolish because I'm not big enough to interfere with His divine Sovereignty. How can my intentions be so good, so in line with my heart wanting His Sovereign will, and yet fall so vastly short of reaching it because I become short-sighted of His hands at work in my life? 

I questioned everything. Why was my faith so empty? How was it so easy for me to doubt and fear? How could I be certain - 100% sure - of His will? Had I forced it upon myself and was I now trying to get Him to bless something that wasn't His will? 

I need to explain something. The minute we were able to change our minds - praise God for His overflowing mercies!!!! - there was immediate peace. I had suffered physical, emotional, and spiritual turmoil for 12 hours and instantaneously it was gone. With a peace that passes all understanding, I knew without doubt we had now made the right decision. Have you experienced this kind of peace? Has He rescued you from the entanglement of your own decisions? 

So what do you do when you don't know what to do? What happens when the answer isn't clear, when your faith is frail, when you can't discern His will? 

Today we watched God show up. It was later than I expected but I fully believe He had us walk through each step so we could end up here. In this place of recognizing His Sovereignty, understanding more about His character, and realizing His full faithfulness in my life. Today God showed up for us in a big way.