Homesick

I ruined dinner. I wasn't feeling well. I had an unusually defiant mess-maker destroying the house I was so desperately trying to get back in order. It just felt like everything I did was going wrong today. I could feel myself getting close to the brink so I did what any mother would do to keep her sanity...I hid in the closet. Don't laugh. It's true.

There I was. Face down on the carpet, hands covering my head as if they would actually hide me. But they didn't. Just a few minutes later the door opened. "Mom? Are you in...MOM! What are you doing? Are you okay?"

My boy had found me. I didn't move. He got down on the floor with me. "What's wrong, mom?"

"I'm just sad, buddy. I'm mad at myself for ruining dinner. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm just so frustrated - mostly with myself. It feels like nobody cares. I miss knowing our neighbors."

"Okay, mom. Let's start over." He flipped on the lamp and poised himself in the chair with my notebook and pen in hand. He started writing. His cute glasses made him look so grown up. The counselor in me decided to play along. I sat up.

"So, mom. You said never good enough. What else?" He was writing intently.

"Nobody cares how much I do, the work is never done."

He kept writing. "Are you sad we left the old house?"

"No, I love this house. This is such a wonderful home for our family. But I miss our friends and neighbors and going outside and waving at people we know."

When he had finished he ripped the paper from the pad and handed it to me. The words on the page hit me like the load of bricks they carry with them. His diagnosis = Homesick. I asked him what he meant by that and he replied,"You're not happy."

This "fun" little "experiment" of him playing counselor hit me at my core. If I say these things, worse, if I believe these things about myself, how can I expect my kids or anyone else to see me any differently? There I was beating myself up for what felt like repeated failures and sulking in my own pity party only to be smacked in the face by the harsh reality that this wasn't about me. AT ALL.

I wasn't "homesick" but I certainly wasn't happy and he had hit that nail on the head. The fact that I was faced with my own words written in my son's handwriting was not lost on me. This was heavy. I decided I needed to salvage our night and took him out for some mother-son time. Then I decided I needed to salvage my self-worth and bury my self-pity by spending some time in the word.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

I had to fix my mind on the truth of God's word - who He says I am - and not on the deception and doubts the enemy was using to attack me. I am not sharing this because I seeking approval or accolades. Please know my heart. My only intention is to express as vulnerably as I know how that we all struggle - we all battle insecurity and fears. We all have to get out of our own self-defeating ways to allow the Lord to do His work in and through us. This isn't just my battle. I know it's yours, too. Whatever failures or mistakes you're beating yourself up with, let them go. Whatever pity or entitlement you're saying you deserve, let it go. Whatever damaging words you're telling yourself, LET IT GO! Replace those fears and insecurities with promises and truths. Know who you are in Him and know your worth because of His sacrifice FOR YOU. You're worth it. He loves you. Don't ever let the doubt of anything different creep in.