Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Because I Didn't Learn the First Time

The last 24 hours have provided me with repeated reminders of a message God is clearly trying to send me. Not just subtle hints or whispers in the wind. I am being practically knocked over to make sure I get it. 

For this child I prayed…

Someone shared that verse with me yesterday as a reminder of my journey to motherhood. 

For this child I prayed...

It was in my daily reading and devotions this morning. 

It's a silly little app but I downloaded Timehop. It's actually been such an encouragement and witness to see how God has been working. Today's notification just about knocked me down. Again. 


This picture was taken on this day a year ago. The reminder that this verse is literally written on the 2x4 behind the wall in the room that is my son's. This is part of the caption I posted with the image:

This is the verse I have been claiming and this is the verse I wrote last night in Elijah's room pre-drywall. Today I drop him off and don't pick him up until Monday after school... But he's in God's hands. I have to claim that everyday, all the days of his life. 

I wrote it in my own blog two years ago this month. It was before preschool began. It was the day I dropped him off, yet again. It was the realization of why I am called to be his mother.

If you ask my adopted son, "What did mommy pray for?" he will answer, "For a baby...for me." I love that he knows that HE was the direct answer to my prayers to become a mother. It is in this simple truth that I am also reminded that the gift I've been given is the very same gift I must turn back over to the Lord...

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given to the Lord."

I love that part... "for his whole life he will be given to the Lord..." Have I given over my son? Have I turned him back over to God? When I'm there? When I'm not? It's so easy for me to be caught up in the moments when I'm disciplining, training, teaching or just playing with my boy. Do I really need to remind myself I don't have it all together?!?!

It is so clear why I must be bull dozed down with the same message over and over (and over). It seems I never learn. God must know I need the many reminders. 

The truth is I've never wanted a different child. I've never second-guessed the fact that I should be his mother. I think the process that led to his adoption is even more confirmation to me that he is the very child I prayed for. Knowing that only God could place him in my life helps my soul rest assured that God had a perfect plan for me to be his mother. I hold onto this truth dearly. 

Yet I cannot deny the discouragement that my soul so often feels. I have feelings of being distraught and distressed and simply hopelessly wondering what to do in those moments of despair. You never want to hear someone say how challenging your child is. The embarrassment that inevitably comes every time a public appearance warrants someone's comment of how high energy he is. Watching the interactions other adults have with him and seeing their annoyance and dislike. It's heart-shattering.

I cling to the knowledge that he is mine regardless of how others feel about him. That thought alone is one that I feel I should scream at the top of my lungs. I AM HIS MOTHER! I know how he is. I know the frustrations and the exhaustion. And I also know that he is the child for whom I prayed. God did not make a mistake in choosing him to be my son. Nor did He make a mistake in choosing me to be his mother. This isn't about some trial or lesson and it certainly isn't about having more than I can bear. This is about another realization of God's plan - for my life and for the life of this child, my child.

For this child I prayed. And for this child I must continue to pray. All the days of his life. All of the days of my life. 

I prayed for him to come. I prayed for him to be mine. I prayed to be his mother. But I can't stop there. Now I must pray for him as he grows. I must pray as he learns. I must pray for his heart, for his mind, for every external factor he faces. I must cover him in prayer, more than the hugs and kisses I lavish on him. For this child I must pray...and pray...and pray!!!

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