Saturday, November 16, 2013

I'm Learning

Sometimes I stress myself out. 

I'm a perfectionist in my work and projects. I want things to be the absolute best. I want whatever represents ME to be superb. And I fail. Mostly, I fail myself.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why am I afraid of failure? 

Please understand. The accolades are certainly appreciated, but I don't require them to propel me. I'm motivated on my own and that motivation is what drives me to do my best - not for anyone - but for myself.

And sometimes I am my own worst enemy. The stress of my own self can be simply overwhelming. 

That's when I realize I'm hard on myself and it's also usually when I become aware of all the things I could have done better...more...differently...if only...

It is in those moments when I am defeated by my own self. I'm left in a perpetual cycle of striving, seeking, doing, trying, attempting, believing, analyzing, over-analyzing...

If only I could get out of my own way. 

I am my own worst critic. Please. Don't try to convince me of something of "greatness" that might be admirable. This is my own pep talk to me.

Truth be told, I'm my own biggest fan. I know I can. At least, at one time I thought I could. Maybe I'm just a control freak. But I guess that's another post for another day. 

You see?! Self-doubt is a vicious enemy.

All I know is Whose I am, which makes me a work in progress, because thankfully - and prayerfully - He who has began a good work in me IS faithful to complete it. THANK THE LORD!

I fall. I stumble. I fail. I mess up. I don't always do my best. It may not always be a representation of what I'm capable of. Surely there are days I can do, be, give, serve, have more. But I'm learning. And each day I'm learning more about how to let myself fail. How to fall in the arms of grace and land safely in my mishaps, being shaped by each one. 

This is how we walk. This is how we live. One day at a time. One failure at a time. One victory at a time. One growing step after another. 

I'm learning.

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