Friday, July 29, 2011
There was the time when I was in 4th grade and a high schooler on the bus was picking on a kid and I let her know she needed to back off. Can you believe she tried to bully me too?! I was half her size but I wasn't scared. I had a big enough mouth to fend for myself. (I hear those chuckles...)
In 7th grade, still a rather small kid, I went head to head with a classmate who was at least a foot taller. I didn't like how much she cussed and felt the need to confront her. She felt the need to slam me up against the lockers. I did not regret following through on my conviction. (I would later call that "bully" friend in high school.)
I knew long ago if I was going to speak out and stand up, I would be put under the microscope. From everything about my changing hairstyles to my choice in clothing, to the judgment for a decision or stance I may take. It seems there's an opinion about everything, and because I was seemingly sharing my life, people weren't afraid to share their thoughts about my life.
What I also know is how cruel we can be. There were the statements - from Christians - who questioned my faith in God as to the reason I wasn't getting pregnant. There were those who judged that I not be on stage in a beauty pageant - ahem, scholarship competition - because it could ruin my testimony. There've been the naysayers and the stone-throwers...and through all of it, I decided to start this little blog to share MORE of my life.
Why, you may ask? Why blog? Why share? Why am I taking off the mask, letting my guard down, revealing the window to my soul? Surely these can be deeply private and personal messages between me and the Lord. Certainly I don't think that what I am learning is meant for everyone. Nor am I telling you to take what I say to the bank and expect your full refund. I share because God has given me a word - He's given me a song - He's given me a spirit that thrives on seeing others come to know Him intimately and personally.
I know that even me - and the struggles I'm facing - aren't all going to be revealed. There are still things too private, too personal, too painful to share. Judge if you want. Make assumptions if you must. But know that you really don't know. That is between me and Him. I am so glad He knows the private places of my heart...and loves me just the same.
So, I blog. To tell my story. To share my pain - some of it. To let you "in" on the real life and struggles of a woman seeking God and sometimes failing and missing miserably. (Okay, more times than I care to admit.) I heard Beth Moore say, "Let God turn your trial into your testimony."
You may not like or agree with my blog, and that's okay. (I'd ask not to be slammed up against the lockers again, please.) But I do pray that with whatever God lays on my heart to share, He can us it to bring beauty. I am a living, breathing example of being "more than my hurts."