It's true. If you know me, you know me. I can be stubborn. Hard-headed. I am determined. And yes, by nature, independent. Right now, though, Almighty God is stripping away the hard exterior layers of independence and revealing the vulnerable interior of insecurity. At my core I struggle.
You may admire someone's apparent strength. You may even have a tendency toward jealousy over someone else's life, qualities, possessions or characteristics. You may also be so turned off by someone's demeanor or harsh exterior that you simply can't bear it. But I caution - don't be so quick to judge or be fooled. You've heard the expression what you see is what you get. But maybe in this case what you see and what you get isn't always what's inside.
God is teaching me about my own insecurities and my hard-headed determination to do it myself. (Ahem, yes, independence.)
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me..." Galatians 2:20
Consider Oswald's take on this verse: "These words mean the breaking and collapse of my independence brought about by my own hands, and the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus."
Now I'm in trouble. You see, by my own hands I've built the walls of independence. Brick by brick I've constructed my boundary: pride, arrogance, selfishness, deceit, anger, bitterness, misery, worry...the list could go on and on but suffice to say I've created my own little place of independence where I refuse to let anyone in.
So here I am - clenched fists, knuckles white from the death grip I hold on my own independence. But let's be real - what I'm really clinging to are all my insecurities. The voices of my past. The haunting of my mistakes. The guilt of my sin. The reality of my failures. The shame of my pride. And I want to let go. How? One. Finger. At. A. Time. One brick at a time. Relinquishing my control. Until I get to the point that with wrinkled fist and frail hands I am still attempting to let go and Let God.
I'm so thankful it's in these desolate places that the Lord reaches into my soul and redeems my life. Despite my best attempts to isolate myself, He is ever present.