Here it comes. The third blog post in a day (maybe a record for me). Why am I sharing again? It's been on my heart all day. Some things are meant to remain in the quietness of my heart, and believe me, there are parts of my prayer journal from today that will are between me, the Lord and notebook. But I know some are dealing with struggles and wrestling with battles they just can't seem to let go of.
Today I had a "Jacob" moment with God. We wrestled. Literally in the floor of my living room. Like Moses, I took off my shoes, kneeled down, wept like a baby, and fell prostrate under the weight of disappointment, sin, shame, guilt, hurt, and absolute humility. I haven't wanted to go there. I've been clinging with a death grip to some of my baggage. But when I got up, I was at peace.
"But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. 22 So they inquired further of the LORD, “Has the man come here yet?” And the LORD said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.” 1 Sam 10:21-22
Have you ever been so ashamed, so hurt, so insecure, so beaten down, so destroyed, that you've been hiding among your own baggage?! You're not alone. You see, what happened there in the middle of the floor was my best attempt to leave everything on the altar. I dropped off my baggage and tonight God gave me such peace and joy as a reminder of how light his yoke is in exchange for what has been weighing me down.
I sacrificed. And it was painful. It still is. There is not yet a scab there - still an open wound. But time will bring healing and even with a scar, it will be a reminder of God's faithfulness and goodness.
Do not think for one second that this is it. Yes, I had a big moment there in the floor and wouldn't I love to believe that today, January 2, 2012, marks the day I let it all go. Certainly God and I did some business. Or rather, He did some business with me. But I dare say it's the end. And this is why I like beginnings so much.
"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul." -G.K. Chesterton
Today I started with a new soul. I am fully aware that rebuilding doesn't just happen overnight (um, that's a little too familiar!). Step by step, bit by bit, little by little...but you have to start somewhere. How? That is the challenge...
"To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives out every emotion, reaction and relationship." - Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity
Leaving it on the altar. Laying it down. How many times have I talked about this?! As many times as I keep having to put it back on the altar!
And tomorrow, well, tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. A new portion of mercy to get through just what God knows will come. With each day comes healing. One step at a time. With each sacrifice laid down, new blessings are bestowed.
I'm there with you, friend. Right there with you. Let's lay it down together. Over and over if we have to. And become his vessels, His glory, His crown.