(This needs a disclaimer. If you're wondering "what's going on" - It's those around me, the people and circumstances, and the things I'm faced with in my own life. That is the reason I share. That's the reason I provide honesty. Not just a look inside my own heart, but a chance to embrace those I know are also seeking, struggling, striving. I'm not taking away from my own journey. But hopeful that through my process, others may be encouraged.)
There's no 50-50 here. It's all or nothing. Half in, half out won't do.
Surrender. It's the most difficult thing to do. I can't seem to pry the death grip I have on this vice. If I truly am to relinquish control, give in, give up, and embrace God's will, then I must also give up my "right" to myself. The belief that I have that I'm entitled, or any other selfish and indignant thought that I deserve...
"Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is." Ephesians 5:17
"Understand" - it's literally a command meaning to "embrace and face." That's right. Face up to God. Embrace what I know to be His will.
"If what's ahead scares you, what's behind hurts you, just look above, He never fails to help you." - Unknown
It's true. The past haunts with its hurts. The future taunts with the unknown. So my only response is to look up. I can't let the disillusionment of my right to myself trick me into falling for anything less than the authenticity of God and His will.
All. Not part. Everything. Not some. Nothing held back. Every single bit. Every last ounce.
"Scars don't still hurt...The longer it stays a wound, the more infected it gets...Christ gives us our dignity back."- Beth Moore (you MUST watch this video)
If I've ever had something God needs to tend to, it's this. This place still hurts. It's tender and painful. But there's a healing that God can bring, to restore dignity, and to heal the wound.
That's where I'm at right now. Seeking to surrender. Praying for healing. Hopeful that the scar left behind will be a forever reminder of the fall from grace that left me so wounded and so desperate that only He could redeem my life.
So I'm listening. Seeking to understand. Looking up. Ready to embrace His will. Knowing full well the battle isn't over. Not knowing my next step until I literally have to stumble across it. But trusting Him each step of the way.
The words to these songs say it perfectly, so let me let them do the talking:
All of me
Heal the Wound