Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Curse God...

Hold on. Before I lose my audience, you should know me better than to think my feelings reflect the title of this post. I suppose I could have more appropriately entitled it "Why God?" or "Why me, God?" but that wouldn't have gotten your attention as much, now would it have?!

So today's post is in honor of a dear friend and someone I will always hold closely in my heart. And someone who has recently felt, based on certain circumstances being faced, as if God has turned His back. Searching for answers, looking for signs, not able to even face the day at times. And I've watched life taking a toll. There's a card inscribed with scriptures that I had already prepared yesterday to put in the mail to my friend. It kindof seems foolish that I'd be sending a bunch of verses to someone who, right now, doesn't even want to talk to God, let alone hear His word.

I am mindful that at any stretch of this journey, I could have reached the point where my own circumstances caused me to look toward the heavens, raise a clinched fist and demand answers. Or, quite the opposite, I could have refused to look up, turned my back, and tuned out any messages of hope and faith.

The truth is, I've been in places before where well-meaning Christians have said what felt like foolish things like "God has a better plan," or "All things work together for good." I know those verses too. I can quote them all day long. I can show you where God tells me He has a plan for my life; I can quote you on the promises that tell me I am His child and He won't give me more than I can bear. But in that moment - in the middle of this BIGGER-THAN-LIFE circumstance that is looming over me, the only thing I wanted to shout was "LEAVE ME ALONE!" (Or maybe "Save it for someone who doesn't know" or "I'm not there right now...") I am the kind of person who needs answers. I need to process. I need explanations. I require information. I need to figure things out. So when the world is literally falling apart - MY WORLD, not yours - I seek to understand what's happening.

As I watch my friend face what feels to be the world falling apart there's nothing I can do, say or share that will help. (And we all know how much I desire to help!)  It's not that my faith is stronger or that I know more verses. It's not that I can sing a prettier praise chorus or lift my hands higher in worship. It's not even that I'm not facing my own set of problems and that my life is "A-Okay." (Trust me, it's not.) 

But in this moment, for this person, I have but only one response.

Pray.

Another friend has said to me, "Carrie, when you can't do anything, you just need to pray. Give it to HIM. Every single time you're tempted to respond or "do" - don't. Just pray."

It's a high calling to do nothing (remember yesterday's post?). My prayers aren't holier. My words aren't loftier. My relationship with the Lord isn't closer. When dwelling in a pit of despair, I've found myself not even able to utter a word. I've called on others around me to intervene on my behalf. And even when I've not been able to look up or down - simply paralyzed by my own daunting circumstance - I've had to rely on others to lift me up to Him.

So, friend, today I am lifting you up. You can rest assured even if I don't know what to say or if there's truly nothing I can do, I will be covering you in prayer. This is part of the admonition to "bear with one another" and I want you to know I'm here. Even when you feel you can't turn to God - or you may spiritually and emotionally be unable in this state - I'm turning to Him on your behalf.

(I'm mindful of many needs right now. You are loved. You are prayed for. You are my friend.)

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