Daily I struggle. I have to use every amount of strength and prayer to battle the innate desire I have to act. I can't just sit idle. I don't seem to have a "neutral" mode. Whether it's a problem, project, conversation, or any number of scenarios, I possess the personality that wants to jump in, do, move, help, assist, lead, coordinate, respond, react.
There it is. Many of life's circumstances have provided conditioning that cause me to react and respond, many times when I should do nothing (or maybe shouldn't even be involved). The shaping and molding of this earthen vessel continually requires a chipping away of these things that muddle my vision, personality, and responses. But because this is also a part of who I am (I can't help it -it's in my DNA!) I recognize the constant struggle it can be. Without even so much as a warning it can creep in and take over. Gone is rational thinking. Calculated responses are thrown out the window. There's no such thing as think-before-you-act when this stronger-than-life call to action takes control.
In the last few weeks I have been put to the test. Moreso than usual. I've been challenged - not to do anything but to do nothing. There have been some MAJOR failures. A full blown mess has been certain to follow. And I sit back and ask myself "how did I get here?!" It's caused me to question my actions, behaviors, thoughts, words, responses, faith... There have been times I've replayed the situation only to sit staring at the screen of life screaming "don't do it! you'll end up in a mess!" It's too late. The damage has already been done. And now, knowingly, I can't change the outcome but am only left to deal with the aftermath.
In the last 48 hours the onslaught of my inner tug of war has been in full force. On one side of the rope were the emotional responses and memories of the past putting their full force into convincing me to act, react, respond and do. On the other side were the voices of reason and logic doing their best to shout overtop the feelings and overcome the fight of reality versus fantasy. I'm not going to lie - this internal struggle wreaks havoc. The battle is exhausting. One hint of an emotion can send me swinging to the side of reaction. One swift move toward logic can strive to bring me back to balance. The only good news is the violent back and forth of the pendulum seems to bring about immobilization, preventing me from any kind of response or reaction I might regret later.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
I have recited this verse over and over as my heartfelt prayer during the war of the last few days. Accepting His promise and knowing my place, He has shown me the truth in this scripture. Don't get me wrong - the reminder hasn't prevented my desire to move or respond. I've still had to fight the internal battle of wanting to do and react - I just haven't had to fight the battle around me. That, He assured me, is His. And that, He reminds me, is why I must be still.